


Jared...I can hear you.

by StormyBear30



Series: Can you hear me? [2]
Category: 30 Seconds to Mars
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-15
Updated: 2011-09-15
Packaged: 2017-10-23 18:20:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/253445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormyBear30/pseuds/StormyBear30





	Jared...I can hear you.

“Do you want to dance?” I heard him ask as I sat beside him nursing a beer.

“Um…no” I replied as I plucked the drink off of the table, downing the rest before sliding away from the table. “Refill” I called over my shoulder as I practically ran as fast as I could away from the table. It had been weeks since I had read Jared’s letter and despite my best efforts I still hadn’t found the courage and the nerve to express my feelings towards him.

“What the fuck is your problem Matthew?” He cried out over the roar of the music blaring around us as I fell back into the seat I had left earlier.

“Nothing…” I lied as I once again began to nurse my beer.

“Bullshit nothing” He roared as he grabbed the beer from my hand, slamming it on the table before us, the contents spilling all over it. “You’ve been acting so fucking strange for weeks now and it’s driving me fucking insane” His words were true and as much as I wanted to tell him the truth, I found that once again I couldn’t as I took a deep breath and started another round of lies.

“I’m just tired” I lied, looking up at him with as much of a smile as I could muster, realizing right away that he wasn’t buying it.

“What the fuck ever Mattie” He replied in full pissed off mode as he stalked away from the table, never looking back.

“Shit…” I growled into my hands as I hid my face within them as I cursed myself internally for being such a fucking coward. Searching the floor I found him, my heart stopping within my chest and my regret growing at the way he was grinding his ass into the crotch of some nameless stranger. An internal struggle began deep within me once again because I knew that it would be that stranger and not me that would be sharing Jared bed that night as he fucked or got the shit out of him. I got my confirmation as our eyes locked from across the crowded club, but only for a moment before he turned within the mans arms, whispering against his ear before taking his hand and leading him off of the dance floor. I lost them within the crowd, but I didn’t need to see them to know where they were going and what was going to happen.

“You can do this” I coached myself as I paced the length of my apartment for what felt like the hundredth time nearly a week later. “This is Jared…how can this be so hard” My rantings continued as I fell frustrated back into the oversized leather chair located in front of my computer. Of course it was hard, it was damn hard and for the only reason that it was for Jared. Since I had read his letter of truths I had been trying to come up with the perfect way to express to him just how much his words touched me. “Coward…” I screamed into the empty apartment, slamming my fists onto the desk as I recalled the weeks of agonizingly tortuous irritation with myself for not having the balls to tell the man that meant everything to me just how much I returned his feelings of love.

The truth was that I had many ideas, so many perfectly structured ideas as to how I would do this. In his letter he had spoken of expressions of love in loud and public places and of course on stage was the first thing that came to mind. It could have worked, as I manipulated my fellow band members to assist me with my declaration of love. It would have been loud and it would have been shockingly public as I announced to our fans and family just how much our leader meant to me, but I also knew that despite what he said in his letter, Jared would hate that. Another place I thought of was his home or my apartment, where in private I could express to him just how much he meant to me and the more I thought about it, the more I realized just how perfect an idea it was.

“Shit…” I cried out in frustration as I continued to stare at the un-powered computer. “Think Jared…think of the love that you hold for him and what he deserves” And then it came to me in a flash. I knew exactly what I had to do. I knew what I had to say to prove to him that he was exactly what I needed in my normally fucked up life. Turning the computer on I quickly got into the program that I needed as I tried to come up with the words that were either going to bring the two of us into the next step of our relationship or severe it permanently. With trembling fingers I covered the lettered keys of the keyboard as I pulled a cleansing breath into my body that was empty without him beside me and began.

***I can hear you Jared. I can hear every spoken and unspoken word you have said to me through out the years that we have known each other. I may have pretended ignorance at your near silent words, but I was anything but. I chose to pretend that I didn’t hear them, chose to ignore the look in your eyes each time that you thought I received your message of love and devotion, only to see your little flicker of hope quickly disappear when you realized I had not. Why? Because I was afraid. Afraid of what? Every fucking thing about you, about who you are and what we could be. However, it is a fear that I must conquer because I can’t stand the direction our lives are heading at this moment in time. I feel as if we are drifting apart and that it is only a short matter of time before you find someone new to bring into your life, no matter how much you claim to love me.

The truth of the matter is Jared, is that I love you. Your truth is my truth. Do you hear that Jared? Do you hear them echo within your mind as you read these words, because they are as true today as they were almost ten years ago on the day that fate brought us together. How is it that things became so fucked up between us over those same years that we were never able to look past the precious friendship that meant so much to the both of us? It is only now that I can admit these feelings that have been bottled up deep within me for just as many years as I have known you. I am bolder now, grown up if you wish in that I am ready to move what there is between us into the next level.

I love you Jared Leto. I always have and I always will, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t realize the way that I have played with your heart over the years because of that love. I know that I could be cold and callas to you when you were only trying to be there for me. I know that I have played with your heart time and time again, making you believe that I was ready for more then what we had shared before, but never being man enough to follow through with it. I know that I purposely hurt you in order to make you feel some semblance of what I was feeling when I was hurt or upset. I know that I was horrible and unkind to you, but know that tonight as I write this letter to you I am sick with ultimate shame for it. I am truly sorry Jared. Sorry for the way that I have hurt you, used you, made you feel that you were less important to me then you really are. You are my everything Jared. You are my entire universe and without you in my life it is empty and not worth living. However, I do want you to know this Jared, that after you receive this letter I will do everything that is humanly possible to heal the wounds that I have inflicted upon your sweet and creative heart. It is a vow that I promise to fulfill before I am taken to the grave.

Please don’t hate me for reading your most private of thoughts Jared, although I know as you are reading these words that your brow is knitted, your beautiful lips pursed together as you contemplate the many ways to kill me. Don’t be angry Jared I beg of you because if I had not found your letter then I would not be bearing my very soul to you tonight. Your heartfelt words, although weeks after reading it have given me the strength to take the chance that I should have taken years ago. So here is my plain and simple truth once again. I love you Jared. I love you more then you can ever comprehend now or ever. I have loved you from our first shared kiss and over the years that love has grown to consume my very soul. You are my heart, my soul, my everything and I can only pray that after you read my words of pure and true love that you will come to me so we can begin our life together.

So now I leave it up to you. You will be the one to make the decision as to where we go from here. I wait for you Jared. Do you hear me now? I wait for you to make the decision that could make or break us. I wait to see if you decide to love me and allow me to live up to the vow I made to or will you decide to ignore my love and my pleas as we fall into a world of pretend friendship that will make neither of us happy. Please just keep in mind that I love you. I love you from the bottom of my heart and my soul and I will until the day that a higher power takes me from this very earth and then even in the beyond my love for you will not diminish.

All my love…  
Mattie***

 

It was nearly two weeks before I heard from Jared. Nearly two weeks of practically living with the phone nearby, waiting for the doorbell to ring, just waiting for Jared in general. I had tried talking to Shannon, but he was just as elusive as his brother, refusing to answer my question, but with a look of something within his eyes that I could not understand. I was thankful that our touring was over, at least for a while because as each day passed I was pretty sure what Jared’s decision had been. I had pretty much given up hope as I fell into a sort of mini depression. I was in mourning if you will as I slunk around my home unshaven, not eating and in general just not caring about anything.

I almost didn’t answer the door the night that he decided to grace me with his presence. However, being Jared he didn’t allow that to happen as he began to beat upon the door so loudly that I knew it was just a matter of time before the police were called. I opened the door cautiously, unable to speak a word or take a breath before his fist landed squarely across my cheek. “What the fuck Jared?” I cried out from the floor where his blow had landed me.

“That’s for reading my letter you son of a bitch” He cried out, holding his fist to his chest as he surveyed the area. “It fucking stinks in here” He ignored my cries as he went around the house opening curtains and windows.

“Well I was expecting company two weeks ago” I replied snidely as I picked myself up off of the floor and walked to the other end of the room, Jared just staring me down.

“You look like shit” He went on once again ignoring my remarks.

“Jared what are you doing here?” I decided to ignore his comment instead.

“Go shower and change” He replied. “I want to take you somewhere”

“Where?” I asked in confusion.

“Get fucking cleaned up and you will see” He demanded, pointing towards the hallway. “You owe me at least that Mattie for reading my most private of thoughts”

“Jared…” I began to speak, but was cut off as he once again pointed towards the hallway. I gave in and did as he asked, hoping and praying the entire time that Jared just showing up on my doorstep was going to be a wonderful thing. He didn’t speak a word as we drove down the busy streets of LA, heading off into what seemed to be the seedier part of town. “What are we doing here?” I asked as he parked in front of a dilapidated building, getting out before he could answer me.

“Come on…” He called out over his shoulder as he fiddled with something at the door before letting himself inside. “Do you remember this place?” He asked the moment that I entered, a smile a mile long covering his face as he looked around, only to disappear once his eyes rested upon me. “You don’t remember do you?” He looked almost sad as I racked my brain trying to recall something that I should have obviously remembered.

“Come on…” He said once again as he took my hand and led me deeper into the dungeon. “What about this…does this jog your memory?” He asked as we entered a small room.

“Did we play here once?” I asked as I looked around vaguely remembering that place.

“Yes…it was our first official show here in L.A. It was a brilliant night…a first for us in more ways then one” He responded with a smile, it once again disappearing when I only stood before him in silence. “You still can’t remember?” He asked again, turning away from me in frustration. “Jesus Matt…you have to play along here or why the fuck am I even trying?” He turned to face me once again with a glimmer of wetness within his baby blue eyes. “Our first kiss Mattie” He raised his voice as it echoed around us. “We shared our first kiss right here in this very room over ten years ago”

“Our first kiss” I repeated in confusion as I tried to figure out what the hell Jared was talking about. “Jared our first kiss was in a hotel room in Salt Lake City” I reminded, remembering vividly that night that I stormed into Jared’s hotel room and kissed him senseless. It was also the night that he and I made love for the first time and one of the greatest nights of my life.

“No Matt…we shared our first kiss right here in this very room” He spoke up, looking mighty pissed at me. “It was right after our show and our energy levels were pumping all over the place. Shannon and Solon had taken off for the night and it was just you and I. We were horsing around and I tripped over your foot and we fell to the floor. I landed up top of you and before I even knew what I was doing…I kissed you. It was something that I had wanted to do for a long time and yet never had the guts to…that night I just went for it. It was a very short kiss because…”

“I freaked out and ran out of here like a bat out of hell” I finished for him recalling that exact night when things changed between Jared and I.

“You ignored me for a week before you came into my hotel room that night and kissed me back” He smiled as he walked closer to me, taking my hand into his own. “I know you count that night as our first shared kiss…but for me it will always be that night that I kissed you right here in this very room” He smiled almost shyly as he looked up at me.

“What does this mean for us now Jared?” I asked, intertwining our fingers as they dangled together before us.

“It means that I love you dumb ass and that I want to be more then your fucking friend and leader in your band. It means that I read your letter and it meant more to me then mere words ever could. It means that I am willing to take this into the next step of our relationship” There were tears in his eyes as he smiled up at me, my own smile mirroring his and I leaned in to kiss him, only to burst into laughter at what he said next. “But if you ever fucking read my private thoughts again…I will so fucking kick your ass” He laughed in return as he wrapped his arms around my neck and planted one hell of a kiss upon me.

“I love you…you crazy fucker” I beamed as I stole another kiss from him.

“I love you to Mattie…for ever and ever and ever” He sang as I picked him up and swung him around the room, his arms still safely fastened around my neck.

The End…


End file.
